Saturday, November 10, 2012
Life has given me lemons, but I have definitely not been making lemonade (at least not by my understanding of this phrase).
I'm not sure that I want to share all of this, but I'm hoping that sharing my thoughts and feelings with you will help me. I usually write in my journal, but when I'm feeling down those journal entries just tend to fuel the fire and are just down right depressing. Anyway.....
I have a problem. I have an addiction. In all seriousness, I am addicted to food, specifically sweets. I know some of you may read this and think "me too!" or "it's okay, everyone loves food" but for me it is not okay. Yes it is an addiction, no it is not just a love of food. When I'm depressed, upset, sad, etc, I eat and eat and eat. If there are sweets around I devour them until they are gone. I can't just have one cookie, I have to eat them all or eat until I am sick. It's gotten to the point where I am eating in secret because I don't want my husband to know I eat as much as I do. I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed. Most importantly though, I don't want this to be how my kids remember me.
So I'm an emotional eater and I get in this terrible cycle where (as I mentioned above) I eat when I'm upset, then that makes me more depressed, which makes me want to eat more--and I do, EVERY TIME! Today for example I was doing great all day. I even went for a 2 mile run and did a TON of ab exercises and pushups. Later in the day I got upset and started eating sweets and pretty much any kind of food in the house that sounded just a tiny bit appetizing. The candy I was eating wasn't even really that good but just having it made me "feel better."
I'm getting really upset because I literally hate every aspect of my body right now. I only weigh 12 lbs less than when my daughter was born and my stomach is bigger than it's ever been. Most people I talk to just say, "It's okay, you just had a baby, give it some time, you'll lose it in no time" well that's what I thought too after having my son, and 2 1/2 years later when I got pregnant with baby #2 I still hadn't lost all the baby weight. I know everyone is just trying to be nice and help me feel better but I'm sick of it! I don't need any excuses. I give myself enough excuses every single minute of every day.
I really am at a loss of what to do. I know I shouldn't eat as much as I do, but I just don't know how to say no! A lot of people just say to not buy the sweets and junk so you won't eat it, but if I don't have it in the house then I'll just go buy it. It's a serious disease. I just wish I hated food and never had the desire to eat, then maybe I'd be a lot healthier, skinnier, and happier. I know looks aren't everything, but they sure are something, and what's in the mirror now is NOT what I want to see! I'm not being hard on myself, I'm just finally being honest with myself.
My purpose in writing this is not to try and get sympathy or for you to give me compliments or help me rationalize my behavior. My purpose was to get my thoughts out and hopefully get some feedback of tips or ideas on what I can do to beat my addiction. I love all the feedback I usually get from my blog posts, but PLEASE if you are just going to comment and say, "Don't be so hard on yourself" "You look great", etc. no offense, but I'd rather not hear it; at least not today. I need HELP, not sympathy.